


What Could Have Been

by m_k_ch



Series: Unsaid Apologies [2]
Category: 91 Days (Anime)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Regret, Spoilers for Episode 10, Unrequited Love, references to 91 days novel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-25
Updated: 2016-09-25
Packaged: 2018-08-17 04:28:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8130410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/m_k_ch/pseuds/m_k_ch
Summary: Avilio wishes for "what if's" and what could have been.





	

**Author's Note:**

> for extra feelings read [ this](http://intra-fiducia.tumblr.com/post/150597115114/91-days-novel-first-translation-interlude) first
> 
> because i love to die i made a second fic with avilio's perspective

When Nero touches his face, he feels nothing but the searing pain.

Avilio doesn’t look at him in the eye, but rather anywhere but his eyes. He takes control and pushes down on him, trying to forget what happened that night.

Avilio tries so hard.

Nero clashes their lips together and Avilio’s body only surrendered, following whatever he needs to do, following what they had always done.

In the back of his mind, Avilio thinks that it’s so fucked up that he’s having sex with the person he’s supposed to kill. Absolutely wrong that he’s kissing the one who told him to kill his best friend— his brother. Should he even call Corteo his brother anymore, even after what they did in his apartment? After all those looks, those stares and touches that scream, _this is not what brothers do._

When Avilio kisses Nero, he gravely wishes it was Corteo instead.

Nero holds him to keep up the pace, and Avilio rolls his hips to try and forget, to try and just _feel_ how good all this is. Avilio shivers when Nero hits a spot, and he is slightly thankful because he doesn’t want to look back. He is looking forward with Nero in front of him, constantly reminding himself that he’s nothing without his true purpose in life, and that’s to kill Nero Vanetti.

But Avilio understands how natural it is to feel that way, that he wants to look back and take the lost opportunity of getting to live with Corteo, to abandon his mission and run away with the only one he has left.

Under the dim room, his mind filled with regret after regret for having to choose bitter revenge over a sweet dream.

There’s nothing Avilio want more but to hear the gunshot, loud in his ears, and find Nero dead and be done with his mission. And when he’s done with his mission he can be with Corteo again, possibly even apologize to him for having to have done all these things rather than to be with him, to be in his arms once again.

Avilio holds back a moan, because his pleasures were only for Corteo.

He thinks only of Corteo and wishes it was him instead, until Nero’s voice breaks through and only realizes that he’s resting his face on his shoulders and his fingers are holding down Nero’s back.

“Avilio.”

Avilio’s blood boiled.

“Avilio, look at me. Please.”

Avilio slowly raises himself to look at him, but not looking at him at all.

“Don’t hold back. No one can hear us.”

Avilio feels bile at the back of his throat.

Avilio bites his lip and tries to stay composed, focusing on the sex and realizing that _fuck_ , he is losing control little by little and he hates himself, he hates himself for dragging Corteo into all of this, all of his antics and plans and if he just didn’t meet him again he wouldn’t be dead.

Nero pushes up and Avilio arches his back, feeling close to the edge but not enough. He’s tired and he just wants to finish this already.

“N-nero…”

The name tastes disgusting on his tongue, because all he could remember was the night when Corteo touched him and took care of him. When he was the one below Avilio and pushing up, and was the one who took their sex slow and far sweeter than four spoonfuls of sugar. He craved to be able to get that kind of pleasure again, because having been devoid these seven years, in three months he knew what it was like to love again.

When Avilio remembers the feeling of Corteo holding him when Corteo brought him to his high, he only then realized he hadn’t stopped loving Corteo at all.

Because he has always loved him despite being away from him. _If we die, we die together._

Avilio thinks that maybe he isn’t actually an empty shell when he’s with Corteo, because only when he’s with Corteo he finds himself genuinely smiling.

Avilio keeps grinding down on Nero, looking away from him again because he can’t handle looking at him, only to spot Corteo’s still silhouette by the corner of his eye.

His mouth tastes more awful, more bitter with apologies sitting on his tongue.

He wants it to be over now, and he thinks of Corteo's knuckles wiping away his tears. He thinks of Corteo kissing him as he goes faster in Avilio, touching him all over until he settles with holding Avilio’s hand. He thinks of Corteo giving him one last push and he thinks of Corteo saying his name again.

_“Angelo, Angelo, Angelo.”_

Avilio’s eyes spring open and pretends it’s Corteo that’s bringing him to his orgasm. Nero strokes him and he’s pulsing above Nero and all Avilio could think of are unsaid apologies to Corteo. Nero continues to fuck him and all he could think of that it could have been Corteo who’s touching him right now.

He watches Nero pump himself and come on his hand, both of them stained with their mess. Numbly, he watches Nero do all the work of cleaning both of them up and settling Avilio on the bed.

Avilio’s fatigue washes over him and he breathes slowly, wondering if Nero knew the truth about his love.

As his eyes close, he felt nothing but absolute hatred to Nero and to himself for doing all these ridiculous bullshit. Once again the regret and guilt all pile up on each other, and as Avilio closes his eyes, his mind flashes fantasies of how he can kill Nero, and how he can kill himself.

He feels the blankets cover him and he hadn’t realized he was cold and shivering. He feels the bed dip next to him, and for another time he can pretend that he loves Nero until he pulls the trigger. For another time he can pretend he can feel Corteo’s warmth again, kissing him through all the troubles he wished hadn’t existed at all.

In his dreams he sees Corteo, and in his sleep he wants nothing more but to never wake up again.

**Author's Note:**

> i do not actually know if i stayed true to avilio's character, but i really think he's one with many regrets and guilt that he hides by doing his work. while he may push these sentimental thoughts away, no doubt he can feel all the love he lost only when he lost the ones most important to him. in this case, it's corteo, and that was what i was trying to point out.
> 
> i'm not sure if i did justice, like i made him overly dramatic, but i like to think he's not really an "empty shell."


End file.
